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Oct 13, 2011 ~ You may have constipation. Or pregnancy.

One of the best movie quotes ever: “I once thought I had mono for an entire year. Turns out I was just really bored." –Wayne Campbell (aka Mike Myers) in Wayne’s World.

I’m stuck between a rock and a kidney stone here. I have friend who’s convinced she’s got some sort of life threatening disease. She’s one of these “look up my symptoms on the internet and diagnose myself” people. Problem is, she does this in lieu of ever going to a REAL doctor. And she tends to believe everything she reads. So far, she’s typed her symptoms into the computer and this is what came back: she MAY have irritable bowel syndrome, ulcer, pregnancy, cancer, stomach flu, constipation, food poisoning, appendicitis, involuntary bowel spasm (WTF?), urinary tract infection, or gastroenteritis…, ew.

WHAT IF SHE HAS ALL OF THEM??? AAAA!! Her poor unborn baby (cuz she’s “pregnant”, remember?) is swimming in a sea of infected stomach acid and wondering why mommy hasn’t pooped in a fortnight! Oh my stars!

I firmly believe she’s got a normal, run-of-the-mill, upset stomach. Caused mainly by stress. And the fact that she eats fast food 4-5 times a week, doesn’t exercise, sleeps maaaaybe four hours a night, and has a husband who seems adamantly opposed to finding gainful employment and/or bathing. But what do I know? And how do I tell her this?

I don’t want to insult her. She’s not stupid, I swear. But I think she’s overlooking the obvious. If she made a few lifestyle tweaks, I think her upset tum-tum would be fine. If not, THIS IS WHEN YOU CALL A REAL DOCTOR! Not a web guy. Web guys are largely virgins who are mad at the rest of us for getting laid. This is why they lie on Wikipedia - so we’ll quote that crap at dinner parties and get laughed at.

I’m willing to issue an apology if she ends up going to a normal physician and finding out that she DOES in fact have each of the ailments listed above. But, sadly, I will also plan her funeral that day. Cuz she is one sick puppy! Seriously, don’t let your computer replace common sense. Why would you give yourself involuntary bowel spasm (ergh) when it might just be a virus? HA! Get it?! VIRUS! Computer?! Virus?! Ummmm…..yeah. Sorry. These jokes are much funnier if you don’t have a stomach gremlin.


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10/13/2011 10:44AM
Oct 13, 2011 ~ You may have constipation. Or pregnancy.
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