It was difficult to choke back tears as I read on air this heartfelt sonnet I'd penned for the lovely and talented Miss Lindsay Lohan. As you know, she heads to prison tomorrow. Words cannot express my inner turmoil.......somebody hold me (warning: when I'm upset, I get a little handsy...).
Dear Lindsay Lohan, I miss you already.
But keep doing coke and you’ll look like Tom Petty.
I’m sorry our judges could not have gone easy,
On someone so freakin’ fantastically sleazy.
There’s so many things that I’ll miss about you,
Your skin is as green as ten Grinches, plus two.
You have more dirty fluids than a pit crew at Midas.
You sound like Vin Diesel with acute laryngitis.
But I’m sorry your dignity’s gone down a notch.
I still think it’s better than the name “Firecrotch”.
So for God’s sake, in prison let’s hope you recoup.
Cuz there’ll be four thousand Sam Ronsons watching you poop.
Funny, very funny. I guess I never thought about it, but when you poop in jail, the toilet is just right there and ewwww. I would put my hands over my face and pretend I was alone. Ewww. Or, better yet, I will obey the GD law and not end up there in the first place!
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