I got this phone call from my big brother Jason a year ago today:
Bro: Hey Sis! Whatâre you up to?
Me: Eatinâ pizza. Watchinâ Joe Dirtâ¦..You?
Bro: Well, I just happen to be holding your brand new BABY NEPHEW!!
Me: AAAA! (tears commence, like the violent bursting of a water balloon)â¦.And? Is he healthy? Is he okay? Is Sara okay?
Bro: Everybodyâs great. Heâs beautiful. His nameâs Benjamin Nathaniel.
Me: Oh, I LOVE IT! Oh, thank you God! Thank you God, thank you God, thank you Godâ¦(picture me doing this for about another hour and a half, crying, spouting sentence fragments, generally blubbering like an idiot â Iâm pretty sure my brother was able to set down the phone, go make a sandwich, and come back without me even noticing).
And now, as we celebrate Benjaminâs ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY, I am at a loss for words as to how to describe the immeasurable joy heâs brought to our family. Heâs perfection. I love him more than I ever thought I could love ANYBODY. So I ask that you bear with me, because here come a diaper load of photos from the weekend. Iâm SO happy my entire family could be together for this: my folks drove out from Michigan , we all met up at the broâs house in New York , and misterâ¦â¦ we partied like Playskool.
You know how sometimes you just want a guy to take his pocket knife and carve the word “MINE” in your ass cheek? ……No?....Hm…..Just me then…..
Well, me and Rihanna (it'll make sense when you see the video for “We Found Love”, released this morning). She was just declared “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire magazine (hell, I’ve been saying that for years) and this is my beloved Bajan at her best – a gorgeous tapestry of art, sexuality, and music. It’s a bit pulp, but if you know and love Rihanna as I do, you’ll dig it….
Okay, so when I got the text from Rocky last night saying that Michaele Salahi (White House party crasher) and Neal Schon (guitarist from Journey) had hooked up and run off together, I didn’t wanna believe it. I love Neal Schon. Rocky knows this. And he takes a sick subtle pleasure in ribbing me every time one of my 80’s rock icons does something stupid (which is pretty often….. note to Vince Neil – QUIT GETTING DUIs AND BEATING WOMEN UP!)
So Michaele has apparently glommed onto Neal, leaving her somewhat shlubby and hysterical husband Tareq to fend for himself. Tareq, meanwhile, assumed she was abducted by vicious, nunchuck-wielding terrorists (as if anyone cares enough about her to formulate an actual “kidnap plot”) and he placed several weepy, rambling, frantic calls to authorities BEGGING them to search for his wife. Turns out, she was sitting front row at a Journey concert staring dreamy-eyed at Mister Schon, singing “I’ll be all right withouuuuut youuuu…….um, YOU, Tareq. I meant you.”
I mean, come ON, is there a bigger hosebag on the PLANET than this woman?! Who DOES that to somebody? That’s even worse than K-Fed leaving poor knocked up Shar Jackson to go inseminate Britney!
And now all my favorite Journey songs are ruined – thanks Neal! They’ve been transformed into easy punchlines (aww, Tareq & Michaele had to go their “Separate Ways”…..”Who’s Crying Now”?)….. I just don’t know how you could ever trust a person after they’ve treated their former spouse so cruelly. Neal, listen to me, man – you’d better sleep with one eye open! Cuz Journey & Nightranger are on tour together right now, and while you might THINK she’s at the merch booth buying a “Sister Christian” hoodie, she’ll probably be on the tour bus showing everybody “the secret of her success”.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once a fame whore, always a fame whore. Neither are good qualities. I hope she gets what’s coming to her. Something incredibly crappy….. like a Steve Perry solo CD.
It’s like Grandma used to say: “Make sure you practice often because you never know when a big-ass flood is gonna hit your area, make you evacuate, and force you to be away from your piano for a few days.”
Okay, so Grandma never said that. But when I’M a Grandma – I will. I’m only finally now getting back in my house and getting some semblance of order restored in my Wilkes Barre ghetto pad. Most of my stuff is fine, a little flooding in the basement but overall no big damage. I was doing major cleanup in West Pittston all day yesterday, so after seeing how bad THOSE people have it, I will NOT be complaining! Ever.
I performed for “PA Live” on WBRE on Monday (the new show every weekday at 4pm with Dave Kuharchik & Monica Madeja) and I was stressing out hardcore prior to the show for TWO reasons: First, I’ve never done TV before. Second, when the flood hit, I was forced to evacuate. So not only does that mean I couldn’t practice, but I didn’t even know if my piano and the rest of my equipment would survive the flood! BUT….I think it turned out okay.
WOMEN WHO ROCK is tomorrow night!! You heard Kate (k8) and I performing live on the show this morning - we'll be playing full sets tomorrow! And we'd love to see ya! Tickets are cheaper in advance, soooo.....
It’s a wonder to me - WHY do we bother brainstorming show topic ideas when the “E” network can spend an entire half hour on Kim Kardashian’s psoriasis? I think that’s how you know you’re officially out of ideas – when you start looking around the room going “Who’s got a growth? An infection? Deformity? What can we devote an entire show to and treat it like an emergency even though the rest of the world would just call it ‘life’?” That’s where the Kardashians are sitting right now. Next episode will be about somebody’s colon. Mark my words. (Of course this would be an appropriate time to point out that I still choose to WATCH the show – who’s got a gun to your head, Lissa? Nobody? That’s right.)
We have so many shows about nothing and famous people who DO nothing, I’ve decided to start doing less and less each day. According to the Kardashian business model, this should quadruple my income and hook me up with several tight-bodied pro athletes. I look forward to that.
I’m also gonna put less planning into our radio show. I’m just gonna turn on the mic and say things that are way too personal and semi-disgusting (oh wait, I already do that), thus making the audience kinda wanna vomit, but also feel a false sense of personal connection with me. For instance, today is Rusty Fender’s birthday. And Rocky has a slight stomach ache. In the world of non-tertainment I could make an entire two hour special out of that. Rocky, Sue, Rusty, Joe Snedeker, and I would all be gathered around the KRZ table eating birthday cake, and Brother Rock would get a wicked case of the runs. Drama would ensue. The KRZ house would be divided because Rusty’s birthday was RUINED by the thoughtless explosion of Rocky’s bowels. Cue the sad music as Rocky & Rusty walk away from each other in slow motion. See? You can almost picture it, can’t you?
And if we ran out of toilet paper around the 45 minute mark, it could potentially be a “To Be Continued….”. Ah, I can feel the zeroes being added to my bank account already! This is very exciting.
Why is it that WHENEVER somebody starts a sentence with “I’m not a racist, but….” you just know whatever follows is gonna be incredibly racist? Same goes for “I’m not sexist, but….” HEY! Here’s a thought: If you’re not a racist, umm.....don’t act like one. If you’re not a sexist, don't act like one. It’s pretty easy.
I was at Quaker Steak & Lube last night for Bike Night (AWESOME by the way – we had a bikini car wash - FUN!), and I went out with the girls afterwards. We were chatting with these two dudes from outta town, and one guy leans into me and goes “Hey, I’m not a racist, but check this out..…” He proceeded to tell the most offensive, racist, UNFUNNY “joke” I’ve ever heard in my life. Strom Thurmond would’ve laughed his ass off and bought this guy a beer. I, personally, just stood there with my mouth agape and didn’t blink for like three minutes.
If you are a stranger and you start telling me racist jokes, you should also start an oven timer on our conversation. I will be gone in twenty seconds. Guaranteed. Somehow I let it slide A LITTLE if I already know you and I know you're not really a racist, OR if you’re older than dirt and you just don’t know any better. I realize that's slightly hypocritical, but older people tend to say things out of ingrained ignorance, not hatred. I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying it's different.
But if you were born anytime AFTER 1970, you have no excuse. If you’re part of my generation and you’re dumb enough to be racist, lemme just clue you in to a few things: The south will NOT rise again. The north won. Get over it. Immigrants belong here just as much as you do – we’re all immigrants. The NATIVE Americans are the only truly indigenous people in this country. If you're gonna hate on somebody cuz they have an accent, or the fact that they “never even bothered to learn our language”, you better be good and damn sure you NEVER make a grammatical error, use street slang, or fail to enunciate your words. Cuz I gotta say – half of the rednecks who grew up here and claim to know our language SO very well, are themselves pretty hard to understand sometimes! I mean “Whatchadoon?” "Yous"? Are these words? I don’t think so.
So my point is this: if you’re trying to impress a girl by telling a joke that’s OBVIOUSLY sexist or racist, don’t say first that you’re NOT a racist. At least have the cajones to admit it. Own it. I may not agree with you but at least I’ll respect you for being authentic. And then I get to test drive my “what’s it like to never get laid?” jokes. See if you make the connection.
I know Rocky already gave props in his blog, but this was my first year being at the annual âWalk Around Wilkes Barreâ and I just wanna say THANK YOU to everybody involved and THANK YOU for asking me to be part of it!
Last night was a blast! We raised a lot of money for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, we ate amazing food, and I met the coolest people â most notably, my new BFF-in-a-day Kyla Campbell from WBRE TV! We sweet talked her into coming in for our Happy Hour this morning and hereâs what happenedâ¦â¦â¦.
Thankfully there were no lurkers outside my house last night. I had a delightfully restful five hours of sleep (hey, that’s about an hour more than I usually get). Now I’m diligently plowing through my workday because I MUST leave on time – I’m heading out to CBK Mountain Adventures to do the treetop obstacle course with my friend Megan this afternoon. If you’re ever looking for a full-body workout that is INSANELY FUN – do this! It doesn’t even seem like you’re working out, but you wake up the next day and your muscles feel sooooooo tight! They’ve got suspended bridges, scramble nets, swinging logs, zip lines – it’s the PERFECT way for an adventure lover to spend a beautiful NEPA afternoon! So that’s what I’m gonna do. Excited!
Then I’m back in Wilkes Barre tonight, probably gonna hit up Mulligan’s with Amanda for some adult bevvies (depending on how tired I am from the obstacle course). And I can’t WAIT to see Green Lantern! I asked Rocky & Sue if they wanted to go with me and Sue’s exact response was “Wow. You wanna SEE that gigantic pile of crap?” Ha! Guess that’s a no….
This junior at Scranton High School is doing something AWESOME! I was a cheerleader all throughout high school so this totally struck a chord with me! Please help her out if you can. She only needs to raise $500, so every little $5 or $10 would help tremendously. Check out her letter:
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Kaela Barchak and I am currently a junior at Scranton High School. I am a Scranton Knights Football cheerleader and am working on my senior project as a requirement for graduation. Over the summer, I attended football cheerleading camp and was given information on a program called the Sparkle Effect. The Sparkle Effect was created by cheerleading coaches in Iowa whose idea was to allow those with special needs the opportunity to cheer side-by-side with their peers. This prompted me to decide this would be a great opportunity for me to create my own special needs mini cheerleading squad, “The Knight Stars”. By the beginning of the 2011 football season I hope to have these children prepared to join the Scranton Knights cheerleaders during the first four home games. I am taking on the responsibility of recruiting children ages 8-13 and teaching them a routine which they will perform along the sidelines cheering our football team to victory. This will hopefully be a great opportunity for these children to shine and be a part of a team.
This is where you come in. I am responsible for raising the funds to make sure the parents of these children will not have to incur any cost for their child to participate. At some point, either I or a member of my family has been a patron of your establishment and I am hoping you would be willing to reciprocate that generosity. I hope to raise at least $500.00 to fund this team which will include uniforms, bows, sneakers, and drinks for practices and also to cover the fees associated with renting a facility to hold practices. After all costs have been covered, any remaining monies will be donated in the names of those who donated to United Cerebral Palsy of Northeastern PA. I would appreciate any amount you could generously donate or if there are services or materials that you could donate instead of money that too would be greatly appreciated.
Please consider this a great cause and I desperately need you to make this happen. I have set up an account at Tobyhanna Army Depot Federal Credit Union, 300 Mulberry Street, Scranton, PA 18503 in the name of “The Knight Stars c/o Kaela Barchak” or checks can be mailed to 2027 Price Street, Scranton, PA 18504. I am also willing to pick donations up at your business if that’s more convenient. Thank you in advance for your anticipated donation. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me firstname.lastname@example.org.
GOOD LUCK Kaela!!! You are an amazing young lady and this is a FABULOUS idea! Please let me know which game your squad is going to be performing during - I definitely wanna see them! :) ~Liss
Okay, you have until Monday to keep making Weiner jokes and then weâre done with it folks. Joke is played. Actually, I work in media so the joke felt played about two hours into our Wednesday morning show, but Iâm giving the rest of society a little bit of leeway because not EVERYONE works at a radio station where the entire building is nothing but smartasses and one-uppers (and I mean that in the nicest way).
I feel like I hafta stamp this Weiner incident with an expiration date because (not even kidding) about a month ago I got hit with an âIâm Rick James, bitch!ââ¦â¦seriously. We canât let this happen again. I almost clocked the guy in the faceÂ just outta principle. Why donât we make some Urkel references while weâre at it? Or whip out a few rounds of âWHAZZZZUPPP?â
Bottom line: Weiner jokes â DONE as of Monday. âWinningâ references (or any other Charlie Sheen lingo) â DONE as of a month ago. Dave Chappelle references â DONE as of the early 2000âs.
I donât make the rules, people. I just enforce themâ¦..as I yell âSha-zam!â (Gomer Pyleâ¦â¦thatâs new, right?)
I think I met my sister in stupidity this morning. Either we’re both equally stupid or we’re both equally tired…..maybe a mix. We were at the gas station standing in line to check out. She needed change for a five.
Her: “Do you have five ones?”
Me: “Oooo, no, sorry I don’t.”
Her: “Hm. Well how about THREE ones?”
I cocked my head to one side. Confused. What would she have said if I’d said yes? Yes, I do have three ones. But ONLY three. Give me that five for them. I shall thoroughly enjoy my hefty two-dollar profit and tell this story for the rest of the day! Mwaaahahahaa!
Just then she realized what she'd said. “Oh”….she turned red. “Never mind.”
We both kinda laughed. Mine wasn’t the laugh of mockery, no. Mine was the laugh of knowing EXACTLY how that feels. The painful self judgment brought on by word shame - I know it well. I give her credit for actually noticing right away that she said something dumb. I usually say idiotic things on the radio and then go hours upon hours before I realize that I’m a complete moron and should probably give half my paycheck back.
A FEW RECENT GEMS OF LISSA ON-AIR BRILLIANCE:
“Bad traffic only bothers me while I’m in it. After I get home, I’m relatively fine with it.”
“How long have I been walking around with salad in my teeth? Since I ate my salad?!”
“I hope no one else noticed that I have two different socks on….” (I announced this ON THE RADIO to literally THOUSANDS of people)
“If you stick a magnet to a compass, does it change the reading for magnetic north?”
This is just a tiny smattering of the many many many MANY asinine things that escape from my mouth on a daily basis. I’m really surprised I don’t fall down more. If ever you’re feeling a little “too intelligent” just walk into a room full of people and whip out a few of these oh-so-scintillating conversational nuggets. Bring ya riiiiiight back down to earth.
Lady from the gas station - if you’re reading this, don’t feel bad!!!! I think you and I should form a club. I feel like we understand each other. We’ll be “The Kindred Spirits Of Buffoonery”. Let’s recruit some additional members and meet in my tree fort at the stroke of twelve. Wait, scratch that..... Better make it noon.
Okay, I seldom put random videos in my blog but this one I just couldn’t resist. This is Nicole Sherzinger (aka - Pussycat Doll, newest judge on X-Factor, DWTS phenom) covering Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”. Everyone’s always saying that Nicole can’t sing – I would like to offer this up as proof positive that she CAN! Eat it, haters!
I think sometimes people (read: mostly other women) like to insult good looking girls because they don’t wanna believe that somebody can be SO hot and also SO good at something. I'll say it: we get insecure. Ladies, if there was ever an emotion we need to get better about hiding - it's this one. Not attractive. Example: when the original lineup of “Girls Next Door” was on, everybody made the obvious jokes about all the girls at the Playboy mansion being bimbos. Now SOMETIMES (sorry Kendra), it’s true. But SOMETIMES (as evidenced by Bridget’s Masters Degree and Holly’s business savvy), that’s just simply an incorrect assumption.
We don't wanna believe that chicks with such banging bodies can also be quality people because somehow that makes us feel less cool about ourselves. Why? My thighs still look the same whether Playboy bunnies are splitting the atom or spitting up on their bibs. It has no bearing on me. Ironically, the only thing that could make me look bad is my negative comments about another woman, thus revealing my inner player hater. Hmmm......
Why can't we all just be encouraging to each other? I think it’s a step backward in the whole feminist movement when any of us act jealous. You wouldn’t see Susan B. Anthony getting her pantaloons all in a twist because she wasn’t good at poetry like Emily Dickinson, would you? NO! Of course, that’s probably partly because they were both too busy trying to avoid death via smallpox and men who wore “breeches & waistcoats”…. but STILL…..my point is:
Yeah, sometimes it's devastating to look at a girl like Nicole and realize that no matter WHO our boyfriend is at any given time, he’s probably always gonna answer “yes” whenever she sings “dontcha wish yer girlfriend was hot like me?” Um…yeah.
It’s also very freeing! Nobody’s the best at EVERYTHING! There’s always somebody who’s better than you and there's always somebody who sucks worse than you. Write that down. Kinda takes the pressure off a tad, doesn’t it? I mean there’s probably even somebody that makes Nicole herself feel inadequate (although after pondering this for the past 15 minutes and I can’t seem to generate even ONE concrete example of who that might be…….). It's freeing because when someone (like a boyfriend) points out any of our shortcomings we can be like "Well what the hell do you expect? I'm not freaking Nicole Sherzinger!" Ahhhh, the sweet release of mediocrity.
Who cares?! We’re all good at stuff and we all have the capacity to care for other humans – isn’t that what life’s REALLY about? (Insert obligatory “awww” followed by barf sounds). It’s like Keri Hilson says “jealousy’s the ugliest trait….do the pretty girl rock”…..GIVE PROPS to other women! This is the first step to transcendentalism, people. Ask the geniuses at Playboy. They figured it out yeeeeears ago!
One picture, one video â thatâs all you get for a blog from me today. Cuz these both make me smile. The photo is from Sunday (Ben & I). We were with his mom Sara at the flea market and I showed him this Spiderman lamp because his dad (my brother) is a total comic book freak. Ben seemed relatively indifferent to the lamp but I think thatâs only because he could sense it doesnât use high-efficiency lightbulbs. And he simply wonât stand for thatâ¦..
The video is me singing the National Anthem yesterday at a Memorial Day Veteranâs Celebration and I felt honored that they even asked me to do this. I was a little intimidated to be singing THAT SONG in front of so many veterans, but those guys were AWESOME â they acted like my Grandpa! Haha....They hugged me when I was done singing and told me to make my generation proud â awwwwâ¦â¦Iâll try, guys. I hafta believe my consistent use of a blinker when Iâm merging in traffic is a good start.
Iâm obsessed with The Sterling Hotel. I went jogging past it yesterday and slowed down as I inevitably do. I want more thanÂ ANYTHING to get inside! Iâm gonna see if they have some literature at Hoyt Library about the history of this building. Iâm sure they do. Iâm literally transfixed by it - I've been "almost" hit by several cars cuz I keep stopping to stare at itÂ while IÂ run.
So weâll add this to the list of âThings I Wanna Try This Summerâ:
-get inside The Sterling Hotel
Will I succeed? Who knows. If kayakingÂ and rock climbing prove too challenging, thereâs always Boggle. Or Scrabble. (My intellect sometimes fills the gap for my athleticismâ¦â¦ Oh goodie, one more summer of THAT.) Seriously, if youâve ever been inside the Sterling â email me. Iâm obsessed! And if I find out itâs haunted âhoooo boy, Â even better.
I had a “who’s on first” moment yesterday at Zumba. I don’t run around the dance studio telling everyone I’m on the radio (cuz let’s face it – that would be even sadder than my macaroni & cheese Thanksgiving) but most of the people know about my KRZ connection and they’ll ask me about stuff on the show quite a bit.
Among my favorite questions:
-Are Rocky & Sue really married?
-Does Joe Snedeker smell good?
-Who writes your scripts?
-What do you do if the CDs have scratches?
The answers (in case you’re curious): yes, Rock & Sue are REALLY married. Joe Snedeker smells like lilacs. Mixed with indifference. Scripts have no place in radio unless you’re doing a commercial for taxidermy and you're trying to dance around the word “beaver”. CDs also have no place in radio. Unless your accountant shows up and starts informing you of all the investment opportunities that will NOT be made available to you if you choose to STAY in radio. In that case, CDs are at the top of the list.
So this lady comes up to me last night after Zumba and says “Hey!I heard you today on the radio!”
Me: Oh? Cool. Thanks for listening.
Her: Yeah, it said the Rocky & Sue show but they were gone and it was that other girl……Lissa.
Me: Yeah that’s me.
Her: Yeah I like that girl. She’s smart. Is she on during the weekend sometimes?
Me: Yup. That’s me. I’m Lissa….
Her: I like how sometimes she jokes with Joe Snedeker, and then he tells her she’s hot. And then she laughs.
Me: Yeah, Snedeker’s a character. Gotta love him. You do realize you’re talking to Lissa right now, right?
Her: Well, tell Rocky & Sue that I like that girl. They should keep her. Hey did you know Rocky & Sue are married?
Me: Really? I’ll be damned…..
Wowwww…… Just goes to show that sometimes people are in a “conversation” but it’s very clearly a monologue. They occasionally take breaths and pause for responses but they are in NO way listening to what the other person is saying. Ha! Oh well. Nice enough lady. And it confused the hell out of her when one of the other instructors walked up to me and said “Have a good night Lissa! See you tomorrow!” Hahaa…..Iy-yi-yi……..hey did you know Rocky & Sue are married? ;p
CINCO DE MAYO party tonight! Yeah, I like to be one of those idiots who celebrates a holiday at full steam when I honestly have no freakin' clue what the holiday is even about. At least I admit it.
I’m gonna nap all afternoon, then I’ve got two Zumba classes, and THENNNN we’re hitting DTWB (downtown Wilkes Barre) for some adult bevvies and tortilla-based crudités. At midnight, it’s off to WB Movies 14 for “Thor” in 3D!
I might be a tired little burrito tomorrow....
*Hey – if you missed it, here’s footage of Joe Snedeker from WNEP TV using pics of Rachel & I from Jerry Springer to help point out weather patterns. Ha! I love it! Joe’s hysterical. Best weather guy ever....
What a great weekend! The Avenged Sevenfold/Three Days Grace/Sevendust concert was AWESOME, âKickinâ It For Musicâ was a blast, and I got to see my bro & his girlfriend on Sunday. Aside from a drunk dude asking if he could puke in my purse, the concert was the absolute highlight of my weekend. âKickin It For Musicâ was not affected whatsoever by my hangover. Sadly enough, I play kickball at the same skill level whether tired & dehydrated or well-rested & full of electrolytes.
I had brunch in Jersey with my brother Andy and his girlfriend Devon yesterday morning. I managed to ease the pain of our kickball shellacking with a giant spinach, tomato, feta cheese omelet. MMMMM! Just like in the Olympics.
So.... pics & vid from the weekend, here you go! And weâll have more from today (our Jerry Springer trip) so keep it glued to KRZ TV! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
At The Colosseum last night I walked up to the bar to get a drink and stood behind a big tough dude who looked like Common (that's a rapper, in case you live in a cave). Muscular, tattooed, gorgeous. He was talking to a Ronnie from Jersey Shore lookalike. I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. I would give a kerzillion dollars to know what precipitated their exchange, but I caught the tail end of one of the WEIRDEST sentences I’ve ever heard in a nightclub:
“Naw, man, ya gotta put the chocolate chips in AFTER the pancake batter’s ON THE GRIDDLE! Come ON!” And then they both laughed hysterically. Hahaaaa…..pancake batter?
Why the hell would two of the manliest specimens I’ve ever seen inside Scranton city limits be discussing PANCAKES on a Thursday night at The Colosseum Nightclub? I must know this.
Maybe it's some kind of disgusting new slang that I just haven’t heard yet. Chocolate chips could be code for genitalia or something. And the batter is…..um….never mind.
Anyway – AVENGED SEVENFOLD CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!! Woooo hoooo! Be there or kindly be square. Devil horns up….. DE-NEET!!!!
And tomorrow…..1pm……“Kickin’ It For Music 2” at the Scandlon Center! All ages. Five bucks. Watch us play kickball against a bunch of awesome bands and then they put on a concert following our crushing defeat. All proceeds benefit local high schools’ Music & Arts programs (and without Music & Arts, my own high school experience would’ve been empty and excruciating. Moreso……So let’s get these kids some money dammit!) THANKS IN ADVANCE!!
I have flap pockets on my pants today and I just realized that one of the flaps has been cut with scissors. I have no idea when this happened. Or how it happened. These pants literally have not been out of my jurisdiction since I bought them a year ago. What the hell?
Now I'm looking at every person in the hallway today like "did YOU cut my pants?" When of course I know they didn't. I am completely animal crackers.
Stuff like this has a way of happening to me. A couple years ago, I was onstage with my band and I looked down and my microphone had a tiny Budweiser sticker on it. I have no idea how it got there. That microphone was literally never out of my hand unless I was packing it up with our equipment at the end of the night. Yet somehow……it got a Budweiser sticker on it. Hm.
I think somebody’s following me around doing random stuff to my possessions just to screw with me.
It's happened in my car too. A CD was in my car stereo the other day that I don't even remember owning! Aaaa! What is going ON?
WHOEVER YOU ARE - SHOW YOURSELF! Stop screwing with me!!! I can’t handle it.
OR…..perhaps…..I’m doing all this stuff myself and it's simply a direct result of putting my forehead against the microwave.
Yep, I think the transition into “crazy old lady” is gonna be a very smooth one for me.
Had an insanely good time Monday at our Rocky, Sue, & Lissa photo shoot (as you could probably tell from watching our behind the scenes video on KRZ TV)! The good folks at Coal Creative hooked us up with their amazing photographer Chuck, and within an hourâs time we were having a blast - vamping, Vogue-ing, and laughing so hard we almost peed ourselves. Luckily we were able to hold our camera smiles long enough for Chuck to get a handful of decent poses â yay! And even more luckily we were able to hold our pee longÂ enough to get safely off premises to a designated facilitation areaâ double yay! Haaaaaaaâ¦.
Anyhoo â in addition to photography,Â Coal CreativeÂ specializes in website design, logos, imaging,Â etc - check them out! They'll work with businesses OR individuals.
Hereâs a small taste of what we got from our photo shoot â more to come soon! Thanks so much guys!!! Chuck, Gerard, youÂ both ROCK ;)
Saw “Green Hornet” on Saturday, thought it was good. Not exactly making Iron Man quiver in his metal undies, but not exactly Hellboy either. Somewhere in between. If you like Seth Rogen, you’ll think it’s pretty funny. I do, and I did. But the REAL star of the movie is Kato! I wish he’d do an action movie sometime - he’d be great!
Did you hear that Van Williams, the dude who starred in the original TV “Green Hornet”, is expressing displeasure with this movie? Granted, he admits he hasn’t even seen it but he’s holding fast to his claims that HIS 60's-era Hornet was never “campy” (uh, HELLO five pounds of pancake makeup and a child’s Lone Ranger mask – yes you were). To emphasize this point, he adds that he "did all those fighting scenes himself”! HAAAAAHahahaha!!! Zowee! No way. And did the chick who played “Alice” on the Brady Bunch do all those BAKING scenes herself???? Holy Hamloaf!
Why is it that as soon as any comic book movie opens, it’s like the Pied Piper of Virgin-town gathers every comic book nerd on the face of the earth and forces them at gunpoint to find a problem with the movie? I grew up with two brothers who were obsessed with comics. No, I mean OB-SESSSSSSSSED. They had dozens of those long white collectors boxes packed to the gills with every graphic novel imaginable, all encased in those little plastic sheets so they wouldn’t deteriorate. Hell, one of my bros even grew up to be a professional artist, so he works on graphic novels every day. But even with their extensive comic book knowledge and their innate ability to debate effectively, even THEY don’t waste their time picking apart these movies. Thankfully! Because they have lives. And jobs. And non-inflatable girlfriends. They also take these films for what they are: just movies. They are not the comic book! They’re never gonna be! Get over it, email@example.com!!!!
No one is impressed with the fact that you know Superman’s birthday or how old Peter Parker was when he lost his virginity (FYI – at least he lost his, look into it!). You remind me of my music friends who attain trivia knowledge not because they yearn to be immersed in music culture, but simply because they’re DYING for that one tiny moment in a backstage conversation where it might be even remotely appropriate to whip out the fact that THEY KNOW Mick Jagger’s favorite pizza topping is pimento. And everyone else is supposed to just look at each other wide-eyed and fondle themselves as if to say “wowww – who’s THAT guy? He really knows his stuff! Jeepers, he must be Randy Rhoads’ cousin or something!” Shortly thereafter, I believe every woman backstage is supposed to wanna sleep with him and the men are supposed to wanna jam with him. Yeah, don’t hold your breath. This is the ultimate threshold of douchery: people who learn factoids simply for the delayed gratification of someday “whipping out” those factoids in a giant spooge-fest of their own pretentiousness. Holy Hamloaf indeed.....
So, considering all my comic book exposure growing up, I am positive I could sit here and analyze every aspect of this movie and find holes. I couuuuuld do it. I could also put lipstick on a goat. I could take Scotch tape and give myself permanent Pee Wee Herman pig nose. I could rent “Sister Act 2”. But I’m not gonna do any of those things. Why? Because I’m an adult. An adult who would actually like to see another adult naked before I die. I finally weaned myself off juvenile behavior like blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk and giggling whenever somebody says “pussy willow”, so let’s all get off our tricycles and put on our big-kid pants. It’s only a f&%king movie. Go see “Green Hornet”. You WILL be entertained. If you let yourself be.
The correct answer to each of the following questions is: “probably not”…… Should Lissa drink from Kyle’s magic flask before the Hinder show? Should Lissa eat nothing but a banana all day and expect to have the alcohol tolerance of a six foot male? Should Lissa EVER play “rock, paper, scissors” for shots? SMART response = “probably not”. Buuuuut, flashback to 8pm yesterday and apparently I thought all of the above were simply smashing ideas.
Croc Rock was balls to the wall for Hinder, drenched in sweat & rock and roll. Just the way I like it. Awesome show, crowd was insane, I was with fun people. Todd, Candi, Kyle, and I met Amanda & John before the show for some adult bevvies and that’s when it all began. I remember Amanda saying “Hey you should try these martinis! You can hardly taste the alcohol!” How right she was. Cut to three hours later and I’m stomach to stomach with a burly bouncer named Leroy comparing tattoos and yelling back & forth about how Aerosmith is going in the crapper now that Tyler’s on Idol. (BTW – Leroy, call me. I still have your “guns don’t kill people, I do” bandana.)
I’m trying to remember bits & pieces of our idiotic banter on the ride home - as much as I’d like to believe we were quoting Tolstoy and Emily Dickinson, I fear not. Unless Dickinson was abundantly more fond of the word “dude” than I recall.
We were almost back to Wilkes Barre when we broke down on the turnpike and ended up being rescued by Penn DOT…... Poor Todd. He was kind enough to be our designated driver and what did he get for his fun night out? A busted vehicle, a $70 cab ride, and a stern lecture from “Mitch” the Penn DOT guy. What did I get for MY fun night out? A lesson. In what to remember when you party in NEPA: never drink anything that comes out of Kyle’s jacket. Never say “Steven Tyler’s turning into a sissy mary” when talking to a 300 pound bouncer with an Aerosmith tattoo. And lastly, never play “rock, paper, scissors” with a chronic self-gratifier because they will ALWAYS have the unfair advantage (sorry Kyle - yes, I went there).
Can someone please tell me when it became okay to run your fingers through my hair at the grocery store?! I was in there a few minutes ago getting some mid-morning snackage and this random dude (think Randy Quaid’s slightly dirtier, slow-witted stunt double) starts stroking my hair. Petting me like a dog. I whip my head around and smack his hand away - “What the hell are you DOING, man?!” I glared at this guy like an old person being forced to pay full price for coffee at McDonald’s. He shrugs, smacks his gum, and calmly announces “I like hair.” About that time I look down and see a small child with a starter mullet (translation: just a teensy bit of shag south of the Mason Dixon neckline; a “starter kit” for a full-blown mullet later in life). This kid is holding the creepo’s hand and looking up at him as if to say “Why, Daddy? Why do women always shriek at you objectionably and recoil in disgust? Why also have you NOT washed this koolaid ring off my face or dressed me in weather-appropriate footwear?”
Is it just me, or do you immediately feel guilty for having great parents when you see some totally innocent kid (like this one) being shuffled around by what is obviously John Wayne Gacy’s NEPA doppelganger? I started having flashbacks – when I was growing up, my folks would make us hot chocolate, read to us, take us fishing, and OH YEAH – not feel up random women in the grocery store!!!! Good Lord. So I smiled at the boy, beat feet outta the store, wolfed down my dried pineapple, and made a mental note to look for the kid's face in ten to fifteen years on “America’s Most Wanted” . Poor little scamp. Doesn’t have a prayer, does he? At the very least he’s got his starter mullet…….cuz…….his Daddy “likes hair”…… :S Um, ew.
I had one of the BEST experiences of my life on Sunday â Skydiving with Endless Mountain Skydivers in Tunkhannock! I canât even describe how surreal this actually was â ever have sex on Christmas day after winning the lottery AND the Super Bowl? Itâs kinda like that. But better. Suffice to say Iâm already scheduling my second jump. If you have ever ever ever ever thought of doing this, oh my Lord â DO IT!! And go with EMS because not only are they extremely knowledgeable and safe, but theyâre totally hilarious to hang out with. I think this pic says it all! So if youâre thinking of jumping donât be chicken - itâll blow your mind. Call Endless Mountain Skydivers: 1 800 229 5557 or click here for their website.Â Â
Too fun! Iâm in the process of crossing thingsÂ off my âLissa Get Lostâ tour list. These are the top five listener suggested activities (or places) I MUST experience in order to become a true resident of NEPA:
-Stock Car Racing Experience at Pocono Raceway
-Old Forge Pizza Tour
Soâ¦.Two down, three to go!! I got to do the Stock Car Racing Experience on Wednesday and OH MY GAAWWWWD - awesome! The video says it all but needless to say, 160 mph in a 600 hp stock car left me speechless! Yep. Me. Speechless. Â BIG thanks to Chris, Steve, and Andy at Pocono Raceway for making it such an unbelievable day! I recommend this for anybody adventurous â not just Nascar fans. For their website, click here.
ThenÂ yesterday morning, I broadcasted live at the Plymouth Keilbasi Festival - thatâs truly the most fun Iâve ever had with endless yards of meat log. And I shared a special moment with Ryan Leckey from WNEP â breakfast of champions babyâ¦. Lissy likey :) Can't wait for my next outing!
Happy Early Birthday Fishboy!! Not sure if you heard, but KRZâs very own aquatic night dweller has vowed to give up cigarettes on his birthday (not an easy task for a guy who can hardly produce a photo of himself without a ciggy butt if it was taken ANY time after junior high). The birthday is fast approaching my friends, so on Saturday nightâ¦. we party!!!!!! Like itâs on sale for $19.99!!! (huh?) Weâll be celebrating the day Fishâs Mom found him in a dumpster, smacked him on the ass, rubbed him down with raccoon feces to cover the stench, and took him home to give him a well-rounded, decent upbringing full of video games, high fructose corn syrup, and dirty movies. Â Happy Birthday dude! Iâll buy you a shot (or seven) at the Woodlands tomorrow night ;p
So Kris Allen was in the studio today, much to the squealing delight of a room fulla hot nâ bothered NEPA femme-fans! We thoroughly enjoyed his acoustic set, interview, and meet & greet. I could recap the high points but youâd be better off just listening to the audio (check Rocky & Sueâs Blog). He was a tremendously easy, fun interview and dished on everything from groupies to Wheat Thins. His guitarist Cale (or as I like to call him â âmy future husbandâ- yum) was also very down-to-earth and accessible to the hordes of screaming girls we had waiting for them in the KRZ studios. Big THANKS to one of our very cool listeners (Yay Jenn!) for sharing some of her primo pics with me - Enjoy! And when you listen to the audio, tell me thatâs not the most amazing & inventive Michael Jackson cover EVER! Thanks Kris!!! Youâre true talent, my friend.Â
Okay, so we've been giving Rocky hell for the last week about his uber-embarrassing childhood pics and the fact that he had SEVERAL Mom-inflicted wardrobe tragedies. He's been quite the sport about it. But whaddaya know - a very intelligent (and perceptive) listener called in and pointed out that neither Sue NOR Lissa had offered up their own adolescent imagery to go head-to-head with "Velvet Boy" in a pre-pubescent awkwardness showdown. Wellllll.....here we go. And sadly, I had NO say in these photos because they were emailed directly from my Dad to Rocky (yes, Dad's a huge Rocky fan - go figure). So enjoy. And bear in mind that these fashion crimes are probably far worse than Rock's, because they were self-inflicted. My dear, sweet, innocent Mother had nothing to do it.
Email us YOUR horrendous childhood pics if you think you can up the embarrassment level! The WORST (read: "most emotionally scarring") will win tickets and backstage passes to the Goo Goo Dolls on August 7th. Contest ends August 4, 2010. Send pics here: firstname.lastname@example.org
We had some very special visitors in the KRZ studios this morning during the Rocky & Sue Show! The Lake Lehman Cheerleaders arrived with huge smiles, spirit, and a stern message for breast cancer: "WE'RE GONNA BE AGGRESSIVE, BE BE AGGRESSIVE!!" Their former coach (and new friend to all of us here at KRZ) is an amazing woman and is battling breast cancer for the second time. Jennifer Arellano came with kids & hubby in tow and told us how we can help her win this fight against a horrible disease. Please try to make it out to the benefit on July 31st (details below), as all funds raised will go directly to Jennifer. I've also provided a mailing address if you prefer to make a donation that way. THANK YOU in advance NEPA!! Let's help her achieve v-i-c-t-o-r-y!!
Twice As Strong Benefit: July 31 @ The Idetown Firehall, state route 415 in Dallas. Event runs from 6pm to 11:30pm. All the food & bevvies you can eat; 21 + up are $10, kids & seniors $5. Live music, entertainment, games, etc.
Mail Donations to: Twice As Strong Benefit, c/o Luzerne Bank, P.O. Box 59, Dallas PA 18612
How DARE Rocky make fun of my doodle?! I will crush him!! I merely cobbled together an adorable little sketch of the three of us (Me, Sue, and Rock) while we were on the air this morning and threw it in front of him. With a ginormous grin I exclaimed âHaaa! Thatâs YOU Bro! Lookit â yer doinâ jazz hands!!â He sighed. Then shook his head. Then incredulously pointed out that the sketch looks ânothing like himâ¦â Â Well excuuuuuse me Picasso.
My girl Sue was much more encouraging, laughing exuberantly and clapping her hands together. She even struck a pose âala âcartoon Sueâ and gave me a hearty thumbs-up (just like in the picture)! Â Wow! What a good friend. But alas, Captain Negativity (formerly known as âBooby Manâ or âProfessor Perv Mobileâ) had even MORE criticisms for my lighthearted doodle.Â Like the hoover vacuum of party poopery, he ranted (in no particular order, but in HIS words):
Â -Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Rocky has NEVER in the past (nor will he ever in the future) do jazz hands!
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Lissa appears to be miniature-size, like a tiny Shetland pony compared to Rocky & Sue â whereâs the artist perspective?! Helloooo?..... and what the hell is UP with Liss doing the splits? Is she even capable of this?
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Why does Lissa appear to be wearing some kind of freaky-deaky onesie instead of a shirt & pants?
-Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Why does Sueâs pose seem to indicate that sheâs headed straight to a âhoe-downâ or âhootinannyâ?
Upon completion of his tirade, I burst into tears and crumbled to the floor like Rush Limbaugh attempting to do one push-up. My cries of agony were abated only when Sue gave me a lollipop and patted my head. (This is normally how we end each and every workday). Please feel free to weigh in with some much-needed words of encouragement for my doodle.Â Because it IS just that â a doodle. Iâm saving my TRUE artistic talent for âPictionary dayââ¦.haaaa suckas!