Wrote this song in the middle of the night last night (that's why I look like holy hell). More to come! Excited to be doing a concert soon!!!!! Details about THAT coming soon too!
I like to consider myself a reasonably intelligent person (somewhere between genius and monkey). But sometimes even the smartest people are incapable of grasping the most basic concepts. Example: my parents read my blogs. Sometimes my dear mother will mention to me (very sweetly) that it weirds her out how much I make dirty jokes and talk about poo. My immediate reaction is to start explaining to her why sex and poo are so very very funny, when really she's just thinking "how about fewer references to boobs and feces, you classless brainchild?" …….Hm. Never crossed my mind. That's an option?
I say this because I pulled another boner last night (see, I make dirty jokes even when I don't mean to) when I was on the phone with a friend of mine. He's an athlete. He's in CRAZY shape, constantly doing triathlons and stuff, probably should be on a Wheaties box, you get the type……And since we're both runners we were talking about me doing the marathon this year, and how we've had such nice weather the last few days we've gotten to run outside. Sounds like an innocent conversation, right? Until….
Him: How many miles did you do today?
Me: Eight.
Him: Nice. You still doing Zumba too?
Me: Oh yeah! I love it. Except my lower back's been killing me lately so I might hafta dial it back a little.
Him: Really? You wearing proper footwear?
Me: I actually wear the same shoes for Zumba AND running. I have these really comfortable running shoes my cousin gave me like three years ago, so I just wear them all the time.
(long pause)
Him: You wear three year old hand-me-down running shoes?
Me: Yep.
Him: And you run like thirty miles a week?
Me: Yep.
Him: And you wanna run the New York City Marathon in these things?
Me: Umm….
Him: AND you wonder why your back hurts?
Me: (laughing) I feel really stupid right now…
Him: Awww, why are the cute ones always so dumb?
...........HA! So that's on my "To Do" list the minute I get a little extra money: BUY NEW RUNNING SHOES! I think we just found the source of my back pain (and, coincidentally, the source of my brain pain). If anyone can suggest a good foot fitter/shoe place in Scranton, I'd be much obliged. I need all the help I can get. The cute ones really ARE so dumb ;)
"How did I get so fat?"…….The question o' the day. Oh, I'm not the one saying that. I was recently asked this by a female acquaintance in the Ladies' Room. One minute we're making small talk, the next minute she's looking in the mirror (obviously not liking what she sees), fiddling with her outfit and she drops this conversational word bomb on me:
"How did I get so fat?"
AAA! What the….? Verbal life preserver, where ARE you?! I started stammering, but she interrupted me (thank GOD) with: "I mean, I used to be skinny like you. But then it's like 'who's looking at me anyways' so I just quit paying attention, ya know? And then all the sudden I'm fat. I can't believe how fat I am!" .........Hoooooooooly awkward. Please Lord, strike me with lightning. Make the sprinklers come on. Make me poop myself. Make elephants run into this bathroom - ANYTHING to break the tension!!!
I get VERY uncomfortable when people insult themselves. Especially when the insults are kinda true. She IS a little overweight. But what am I supposed to say? "It's probably a combination of your bad lifestyle choices and a gradual malaise in regards to personal appearance that inevitably culminates in your extreme self loathing"? No. You can't say that. So here's what I went with: "Oh, sweetie, please don't say that stuff about yourself! Nobody likes how they look ALL the time! Not even supermodels." ……….wowwww……clap, clap, clap……very insightful, Lissa. You're a modern day Confucius. Brilliant. And she could tell it was a BS answer too. She looked at me as if I'd said "Fox News really IS fair and balanced reporting!"
So then for the rest of the day I avoided her. I was just in desperate fear that the same situation would somehow present itself and I'd puke out some OTHER idiotic Stuart Smalley response. Am I the only one who's put off by people insulting themselves? I hope not. Cuz I feel bad. I dodge this woman like the plague now. It's not that I don't like her I just wish SHE liked her! I seriously need index cards for life. Cuz if this scenario happens again, I NEED a better answer. But it can't be the truth. How about I just SAY "I pooped myself"? Nobody needs to know it's not true. It's not like they'll check.... see, this is why I need index cards. And someone to fill them out. Takers?
Well I converted to Facebook Timeline today. Already hate it. It's like a trend I'm caving in to, cuz all my friends are doing it. But I know I can't pull it off. Like Capri pants. I figured I should do it now cuz they force you to convert by February 7th anyway. Why not be seven days ahead of the curve, right?
But it seems like this new format is a little more "stalker-friendly", no? Have you found a way to hide the map? Or hide your "Likes"? I haven't. I'm living in fear of being tracked down by random weirdos that I once upon a time blocked. It's silly really. Especially since some of my status updates tell people exactly where I am or exactly what I like anyway. Do I think potential kidnappers are looking at my map, but NOT reading my status updates? Apparently I think geography buffs are all potential assailants.
Don't question my logic, just understand that I don't like it.! (Hello, curmudgeon!) Did I just turn into a senior citizen overnight or something? Wow. It's like I know I must USE this technology, but it's different than what I'm accustomed to so therefore……I hate it. This is a very unbecoming aspect of my personality. I blame Timeline (like the sluts who cheat on their spouses and then blame the internet no, sorry, you're a tramp). But until I master this new Facebook format, I will contend that it is foolish and idiotic. When I DO finally get the hang of it, I'll probably think it's the best thing since Capri pants. Don't hold your breath though I'm confused as hell! Geography buffs, here's a freebie: I'm at the radio station. No need to check the map. I'll be here for a good three hours trying to figure this freakin' thing out….
Yesterday they were showing on TV the first EVER episode of Beverly Hills 90210! YES! I got extremely excited. I remember back in the day my mother wouldn't let me watch that show cuz the teens were "promiscuous". I had no idea what "promiscuous" meant but I figured it had something to do with prosciutto ham and tapered legged jeans. Close?....Jason Priestley and Jennie Garth look about fourteen in that first episode, but their clothes and hair kinda make them look mid-forties (cuz, see, when you live in Northeast PA, a lot of people in their mid-forties still dress like that).
So they roll credits at the end of the show, and (not even kidding) one of the bit parts was listed as "Overweight Girl"…….yes, "Overweight Girl"......... Keep in mind, these kids were roughly 15-16 when this show aired. That's a real confidence boost for a teenager, huh? They couldn't list her as "Girl In Blue Sweater" or "Student #2"? Not EVERYONE could feed their kids birdseed in the nineties, Aaron Spelling! Tori had the body of Olive Oil. But some girls EAT Olive Oil.
And that was probably Overweight Girl's first big break into acting, so imagine the phone calls she made immediately after she got the part: "HEY! MOM! Guess what! I'm the fat girl!!!!! I am TOTALLY the fat girl! EEEEEE!!!" And then she hangs up the phone and realizes what she just said. Whoa. Hellooooo eating disorder! I think there should be a law against calling ANYONE chubby unless they're over eighteen. You can buy porn, you can buy cigarettes, we can call you fat. In that order. Cuz poor little overweight girl…..er, big overweight girl…..in a cast full of mullets and acid wash denim, she STILL looks the most conspicuous. Makes me wanna take her to the Peach Pit. Buy her some of Nat's pie.
What am I missing about craft shows? A friend of mine just invited me to an art fair where some of her paintings are gonna be featured. I'm like "Cool! I LOVE your artwork! I'm there." (Her talents are truly amazing). But then she added "PLUS there's a craft show!"
Oh! Ummm….. Awesome?
I mean, I know craft shows must appeal to people they're everywhere. But I gotta be honest: I just don't get it. I see candle holders made of Spam cans and funky shaped jars full of olives in embalming fluid and I'm like "Why"? Craft consumers will meander from booth to booth, holding up each item, saying things like "Ooooooo how long did it take you to MAKE that?" or "Wowwww are those GLUED on or SEWED on?" ……How about "Is this bullet hole in my head ALL the way through or just PART of the way through?".......and "Does this serve a purpose, or was it just a colossal waste of your time?"
Now, don't turn on me if you happen to be a Yarn Barn disciple. I probably only dislike these things cuz I could NEVER do crafts myself. I'm an unimaginative dolt. And as far as "wasting time", I'm the LAST person who should be casting stones there. How many hours a day does Lissa spend dorking around on Facebook or playing the same damn twelve songs on her piano? Yeah. Shut it, Polly Productive.
But I'm worried that I'm somehow missing some sort of inherent female chromosome. I don't get the allure of craft shows, bake sales, clothes shopping, nail salons, soap operas, Tupperware parties, or Real Housewives Of Wherever-The-Hell. Was I supposed to be born a dude? I seriously worry about this. Maybe that's why I have so few female friends. If someone can explain ANY of the above phenomena to me, please do. Or I will forever be confused by this macaroni Jesus. Shalom.
Picture this: fifteen year-old Lissa steps up to a microphone right before a high school basketball game. She sings the national anthem and gets two words wrong. She finishes the song, but then immediately runs into the school hallway and starts sobbing. I remember this like it was yesterday. Thankfully that's the ONLY time (knock on wood) I've ever screwed up that song. I've done it hundreds of times and it's STILL one of the hardest songs I know. When I was that little fifteen year old girl, out in the hallway crying, an old man came up to me and put his finger in my face - he goes "You don't deserve to be singing that song. You're a disgrace!" Duuuuuuude. Harsh. Aaaaaand commence several years of lingering shame. I cried every night for two weeks after that. Was scared of old people til I watched some Walter Mathau movies and got a hug from my grandpa (kay, I made that part up). But I felt terrible! People didn't care though. They were downright hateful to me.
So please understand why I'm a little touchy about people criticizing the likes of Steven Tyler for his rendition of the national anthem yesterday. Yes, he did mess up one word he said "as" instead of "the"……but MOST of the criticisms were on his pitch and delivery! What?! That's how he sings! If you don't want a rock vocal performance, don't get a rock vocalist.
There are two main things people say when they think someone's screwed up the anthem. First: "Learn the song! How could you not KNOW the words?!" ………I'm here to tell ya: they DO know the words. Maybe you heard the audio from Christina Aguilera's soundcheck before she famously massacred the anthem last year? She KNEW that song! It was flawless in soundcheck. But you have NO idea how nerve wracking it is to perform that behemoth unless you've done it. And even famous people make mistakes when they're nervous!
The second, more offensive statement is this: "Obviously you have no respect for your country if you can't even sing the anthem right". Yeah, that's sooooooooooo obvious. If you really think that, you're a moron. You should be deported. Every American (whose name is not Roseanne Barr) who sings that song in front of thousands of people is only doing it because they desperately want to do a good job and make their country proud. I ache for performers when they can't make that happen. 99% of the population will never know how that feels. And that's why they're dinks about it.
I think it's okay to say somebody did a bad job if they truly sucked. That's fair. For instance: Lauren Alaina not a great anthem performance. Britney Spears not a great anthem performance. Bret Michaels yikes……But to say they hate their country or they don't realize the WEIGHT and IMPORTANCE of that song is just mean. If you think you could do better, go for it. In the meantime, envision your biggest screw up EVER. Now envision doing it in front of an audience of thousands. See? Maybe a little compassion, huh? We're all on the same team, America.
(BTW - Are you envisioning a public fart as your biggest screw up ever? I don't know why, but my mind immediately goes to "fart"…..thank God I've never done THAT while I'm singing.....)
I read old magazines sometimes. I keep them around my house for up to a year. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I enjoy comparing close-up photos of lipstick from year to year, (FYI they never change), maybe I review fashion trends, or maybe I'm just demented and need to get a freaking library card.
Either way, I stumbled upon an article that Ashton Kutcher wrote for last year's January issue of Harper's Bazaar. It's called "Has Texting Killed Romance?" …….Stifle your laughs. Last year Ashton was happily married, seemingly someone who had the integrity to avoid sex in a hot tub with skanky blonde randoms. I will concede I'm sure SOME of his texts would later prove to contribute to his breakup. Example: "Hey. Demi. Need 2 talk. Got a hot tub story 4 u. Get ready to LOL!" …..and then Demi texts back "WTF?" …..and that's when he picks up the phone and calls her (as a gentleman does). He starts the conversation with "Kay, so remember that body part I got caught in the air jet last time I was in a hot tub? Well, this time I got it caught in a 22 year-old….."
…..aaaaaaaand just like that, the romance is back! Cuz he took the time to CALL Demi. She feels special. No texts for THIS modern day Cassanova! They reunite, she hugs him, they both share a hearty laugh, and Rumer & Scout make them pancakes while the whole family sings kumbayah and watches Die Hard. Don't buy it? Good. You're not a nincompoop.
Maybe it's not so much the "texting" that's killing your romance, Ashton, but the "slutbagging". I mean, technology only helps to reveal the truth about people and/or relationships. I'd rather have a guy who texts me a few times a week and can keep it in his pants, as opposed to a narcissistic smooth talker who calls me three times a day but has a revolving door of female side dishes in my absence. But what do I know? I'm old fashioned. I've never even managed to "ROTFLMAO". Seriously. I have never rolled on the floor for laughter induced purposes. Ever. Name one person who has……(cricket sounds)…….oh right, Ashton Kutcher.
On the phone with my Dad yesterday, about halfway through our conversation I randomly asked him "So you think I could do my own taxes? Like, online or something?" I don't really have the money to GET them done, but I need the money that RESULTS from getting them done, ya know?
So Dad's like "Um…maybe……I'll poke around online and see if I can help you out." (Translation: I love ya Liss, but you're not exactly Rain Man when it comes to numbers. You think a "remainder" is someone who stays in the club past closing time. You're gifted in OTHER ways…… other non-math related ways. You're a very good sock folder...).
It's impressive sometimes how parents manage to sugar coat things so beautifully when they desperately wanna have faith in their children, but gawdblessum, they KNOW their kids' weaknesses. So I thought Dad played that very well. He thinks I can do it. But he highly recommends a little fatherly review. He's wise. Kinda like training wheel removal day. I was CONVINCED they should come off my bike on day two. He wasn't so sure. I faceplanted myself in a bush on day three. What did we learn? I was too ashamed to tell him I'm a half-wit, so I pretended I never fell. And he pretended not to notice the grass clippings stuck to my ear. I appreciate that.
Heaven help me, I don't want tax day to be a re-enactment of training wheel removal day. So if anyone out there has successfully mastered their taxes, AND had a wee bit o' trouble with Algebra 2 in high school, lemme know. You'll be my idol! And no, I don't STILL need training wheels. I'm sure you were wondering….
K-Mak
