June 7, 2012 ~ dogs can fly if the car window's open
You know how sometimes you see people driving with their dogs in their laps, and you kinda wanna ram the hell out of them, cuz you know SOMEBODY’S gonna die and you don’t want it to be you? Seriously, how is this legal? You’re basically begging other motorists to turn your pet into a projectile. You know that sound a bird makes when it smacks into a window? That’s the sound of your dog telling you to go f#@k yourself.
I say this because we have a dude cruising around Wilkes Barre (may or may not be high on meth – unconfirmed), and he’s constantly driving CRAZY, always with this spazzy poodle in his lap.
I know for a fact he’s going to kill me. Maybe not when I’m driving, but when I’m running, definitely. I’ve seen him three times now and each time he’s got the car windows down, swerving like Lindsay Lohan, apparently having a conversation with no one, and this DOG is freaking out like a taser victim on his lap.
Now, one of two things is gonna happen: either A) crazy dog man is gonna kill me while I’m jogging, possibly cuz my headphones are cranked and I’m distracted – “Dance! Shout! Shake your body down to the ground…” THUD!! Lissa’s dead.
B) The dog is gonna realize the window’s open and this is his only possible chance to escape his drunken motorist captor. Fido will triumphantly LEAP to freedom, and while he’s airborne he’ll come into contact with a certain jogger’s head. That certain jogger will of course be me. THUD! Lissa’s dead again. Obituary lists "Local Radio Personality Bludgeoned By Poodle"....first case of its kind. You see what I’m saying? Either way, this man is going to take me out. So if you see a psychopathic white dude careening around Wilkes Barre in a ’97 LeBaron, hummingbirdish puppy on his knee, ram the crap out of him. It’s him or me, folks. Don’t make all my years of fitness for nothing. I deserve to live... For at least another month. Thanks.